A Reader's Response to Tears of a Clown

After reading my last blog post addressing the issue of depression, Jenni Saake sent a rather long and beautifully written response. Apparently it was too long to fit into my comment form on the blog post, so she private messaged me. While reading her response, I knew I needed to share this with you, my readers. Not because she was in agreement with my post, but because she writes from the heart of one who has traveled down the long and painful road of depression.  

Some of you may recognize Jenni's name as she also happens to be a blogger/author friend that I had introduced in a Writer's Blog Hop not too long ago. She is the founder of Hannah's Prayer Ministries and author of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss. After a chiropractic accident at the age of 30, Jenni suffered 6 strokes, sustaining significant brain injury, and journals the spiritual and physical recovery journey on her blog at Stroke Of Grace.

I was so touched and encouraged by her response to my last post that I knew I needed to share her words with you here. It is my hope and prayer that you will be inspired and encouraged as well!

Jenni's Response:

Very well stated. So often the church at large wants to make depression a purely spiritual issue. That as long as you are a Christian you cannot possibly face depression and still be in a right relationship with the Lord. I love how you talked of the complex interaction between mind, spirit and body then said, "That is not to say that people who are Christians do not struggle with depression. Some do. But the answers to our deepest longings can be found in Him. Joy is not a condition of the heart that is brought about by the perfect circumstances in life. Joy is the hope in the One who is our salvation, our hope, and our grace, in spite of the pains, the wounds that we attain in this life on earth. Joy comes about when we allow those feelings of anxiousness, and fear turn us to God, remembering His goodness, even when our world seems to be falling apart; trusting the One who can bring us through the storms of life."
After my strokes I was deeply depressed (sudden blindness, hearing loss, serious nerve pain, loss of any form of self balance or ability to walk, could do that to a person!) but I surrounded myself with praise music, audio Bibles, and a couple months in when I could finally make limited use of a large print Bible, submerged myself in Scripture that way too. I prayed rather continually and sought the Lord daily, fervently. The pastor, elders, friends would come pray over me, with me. Still, I grew more and more depressed and quite suicidal for many months.
About 6 months in my doctor convinced me to try an antidepressant, something I had resisted up until this time, thinking depression to be purely circumstantial and needing greater spiritual discipline to come through the storm. We didn't get the medication correctly balanced the very first try, but it was a starting point. Within a few weeks, it was doing enough good that I could see small rays of hope breaking through my despair for the first time, enough so that I was willing to continue working with my doctor to find the correct dose (that, once achieved, offered a night and day difference!). As it turned out, the strokes had caused enough damage to specific emotional processing centers of my brain and the overall chemical balance of this organ, that short of God's divine healing, my brain was simply incapable of creating anything other than a deep, dark slimy pit where joyful emotions should be. The medication was providing a better balance of the chemicals my body should have already been producing on its own, but was simply incapable of now.
Once I got on the right dosage of medication, my body had also had many months to gain physical healing, so the circumstances, while still daunting, were no longer as intensely grim nor dire. I also gained insurance approval to start counseling, so I finally had professional help to start unpacking emotional baggage. When the mind and body were properly addressed, ALONG WITH the spiritual, then there was room for spiritual healing as well. My prayer, from the beginning had been "restore to me the joy of Your salvation" and God DID both renew a right spirit within me and overwhelm me with His joy.
At almost 3 years, I now walk with a cane, have mostly restored vision, have regained a little hearing, but the chronic physical pain issues become more intense all the time (and were horrid to start with). So if we are going purely by circumstantial issues, there are great gains in some areas and ongoing losses in others. But I will tell you, I would so much rather choose this physical pain along with restored hope, than the emotional/spiritual writhing of depression!
Lest you think I am making an argument for depression being purely chemical, physical or circumstantial, I still believe there is a great spiritual interplay as well. A year ago I went through several weeks of a slippery slide springily downward, back into the slimy pit. I couldn't understand what nor why this was happening. I was on the verge of calling my doctor and asking him to raise my antidepressant dose, when a STILL SMALL VOICE broke through to my heart to remind me I had been neglecting consistent time alone with Him over recent weeks. Oh, my life was filled with good "Christian things" but in the new-found business, one-on-one intimacy with the Lord was lacking.
I returned to Him, confessed my neglect, and recommitted myself to seeking out priority alone time with Christ. Amazingly, all traces of my heavy heart vanished within a few days! When I start to struggle now, as I still do at times, my first question is always honest self-evaluation of the state of intimacy I'm enjoying (or not) with my Heavenly Father. Often a little adjustment there will make an indescribably amount of difference! If it doesn't bring about immediate positive change, I now know there could be other physical or mental issues at play, so I think through recent dietary choices, physical exercise schedule, check my pill box to be sure I haven't been missing any antidepressant doses over the past week, and I have yet to face a time when the heart/soul, mind and body are all being cared for as they should that I could even fathom suicide as a viable option anymore!

Wow! I am humbled by your words, Jenni. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your journey with us!  It is my prayer that God will continue to bring about healing in your body, and that He will continue to use your story to encourage, to inspire others, and to advance His kingdom through your ministry.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  ~2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Sharing your story may be a blessing to others. Be alert…God just may bring someone across your path this week. Are you willing to allow God to use you to be a comfort to someone else?

Read the article Jenni is responding to here: Tears of a Clown…Take Heart!

Resources:

The American Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
Is Depression Emotional, Spiritual, or Due To A Chemical Imbalance? by Paul Meier, M.D.
Christians Get Depressed Too Films

And So I Write...A Writer's Blog Hop

I've been on quite a long and unintentional sabbatical from writing. Sometimes it is good to just step back and reassess the what and why of this whole blogging gig.

Sometimes life just begins to take over and all those words remain floating in the recesses of my mind…anxiously awaiting that moment when the dam breaks and the words just flood out all over the white space….spilling over the edges in a mess of words looking for their proper setting.

And so…I begin…again. As I was anticipating what I would write about,  my sweet friend, Cheryl Lutz, invited me to participate in a summer Blog Hop. In this blog hop we not only answer questions about our own writing, but we get to introduce you to several of our own writer/blog friends…and it just keeps going.

I first met Cheryl through an online book launch group for Jo Ann Fore's book, When A Woman Finds Her Voice.  We are both Pastor's wives and have a passion for leading women to connect to the heart of God, and that common desire just 'sealed the deal' of our friendship. We also had the opportunity to meet and connect in 'real life' on a retreat in Tennessee and experienced that sweet bond that sister's in the Lord often find.  I just love her and I know you will too! Cheryl writes over at Securely Held, check her out!

And now for the questions. I have to say these questions are a challenge, as I have been pondering some of the very same thoughts in recent months.

What am I writing or working on?

This post at the moment. (wink)  Seriously, I'm always a work in process myself and my writing tends to reflect that.  I do have a book project that originally started out with a small group of women; each contributing a chapter of her own. However, something happened in the life of the woman coordinating the project and now the entire book deal has been dropped into my lap to do with as I see fit. I have already written a chapter of just over 9000 words, but it was meant to be a chapter that fit into a book that consisted of a collection of writings from mother's who have experience raising a special needs child. I don't even believe any of the original women stuck with the project long enough to get their chapters completed. So there's that. I think my next step on this project is a long talk with the marketing agent at WestBow Press on what direction I need to take…and much prayer!

I've also been working to improve the design of this blog. Learning a little HTML and tweaking things here and there to give it a more streamlined, clean look.  Eventually, I will be moving over to my own self-hosted Wordpress site, but my URL will remain the same as it is now.  What I need to be working on is writing consistently. SBICAW! Sit butt in chair and write! God has called me to this thing and I may flounder from time to time, but I will 'keep on keeping on'.

Photography has become quite a hobby and I am working on figuring out how to get some of my photos and graphics available for sale in the near future. For me, this hobby of 'clicking' and writing have and will continue to be connected. It just might evolve into something much different in the future. We'll see.

My latest most important 'work' is just being the best Gigi ever to my precious grandson, Judah. I love that little man!!








How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Great question! Any takers? Anyone?  Oh…right…I'm supposed to answer that one. I think at the moment I would be categorized as faith-based lifestyle writer.  There are many bloggers writing within this genre. My work differs because I write from my own experiences and my own observations from life around me.  No one else lives in my skin…and/or processes life in the same way that I do. I am not one to tell you every little detail of those life experiences, but just enough to bring across the point of my writing.  Which brings me to the next question...

Why do I write what I do?

I have actually written about this very question in a previous post. You can read it here: Write! That's All He Said. I think the very last paragraph of that article sums it up quite well for me:

I continue to write because I believe God has called me to this thing. I will probably never be a well known writer, but I'm okay with that because I believe God will use the words that He has given me to further the work of His Kingdom here on earth. I believe He has and will continue to use me to encourage my readers in seeing every part of the culture in which we live through the lens and filter of God's Word. And that is enough for me!  

As I have said before, "When He says go…go. When He says do…do. When He says WRITE…I'm going to write!

How does my writing process work?

Wait!! There's a process?

I think the process for me goes back to SBICAW:Sit butt in chair and WRITE!  Yes, it's true. When I sit down to write and make myself begin the words start to flow out of my crazy brain, through my fingertips out onto the page. It's true…I just have to make myself begin writing and it happens.  Sometimes the writing is proceeded by much research, depending on what prompted me to begin an article in the first place.  I have also written about this flow elsewhere on my blog, in the form of a poem, which I find amusing as my mother was the poet in our family. I write prose. You can read it here: Write…Wings to the Words of My Heart. (It's a quick read).

I have found it easiest to begin writing when I participate in a regularly scheduled link-up, such as Lisa-Jo Baker's Five Minute Friday post. She gives a one-word prompt during a wild and crazy fun 'twitter party' on Thursday nights and then 100's of bloggers join in the exercise of writing in five minutes an unedited free flowing post on that one word. We then all link up on Lisa-Jo's page on Friday!  I have to admit though that even in this, I break all the rules. I only participate sporadically and when I do it usually takes longer than five minutes to write…and then…sometimes...I do the unthinkable. I  edit! Gasp!! But the original intent of the exercise is to just get us writing.  Sometimes I do it in the 5 minutes and other times, not so much. Either way, it's a win-win for me when I choose to participate in the link-up.

The actual process goes something like this:
When I write I tend to just let the words flow just to get them written down. I might stop for a tea break, and then go back and read back over what I had written, editing as needed. I will do read-through several times before hitting the 'publish' button.  It helps to step away for a few hours or even overnight and come back with fresh eyes and go back over it; this time with an eye on grammar, spelling, and clarity. Inevitably I will read it after it has been published and see something I missed in the editing process. At some point, I just have to 'let it go' and pray that God will use my words to encourage and inspire.

And now for the fun part!  I get to introduce you to some pretty awesome ladies! 

First, I would like to introduce you to my friend, Donna O' Shaughnessy. I'm really not sure how long I have known Donna but we met and have gotten to know each other through two different Facebook groups, Better Writers and Better Bloggers. Also, we both participate (rather sporadically) in the Five Minute Friday link-up community.  I love her passion for life, family, Jesus, and photography! Oh, and 
when you visit her page be sure to ask her about 'river-tiquing'. 

Born and raised in good 'ole Brooklyn, NY, Donna, the hubby, and their 4 amazing children moved to the beautiful mountains of NE PA just over fifteen years ago. At City Chick in the Country, she discusses Faith, Family, and Facing {Mid}Life head on! As the empty next draws near, she is anticipating the post-parenting years and is excited for whatever God has in store. She is passionate about Christ, inspired by photography, and LOVES all things NYC! 
You can visit Donna's blog, City Chick in the Country, to hear words of encouragement, or connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Next, I would like to introduce you to a wonderful friend, Jennifer Saake, whom I have just had the privilege of getting acquainted with earlier this year.  We actually connected because I had planned to host an (in) Real Life Conference meet up in our area and she was interested in attending with a few other ladies. I ended up going to Tennessee to do a combination Book Launch/(in)RL meetup Retreat instead and did not get to meet with Jennifer. We did find that we have some things in common…dealing with the aftermath of a stroke.  Of course, while I have never suffered a stroke, I do understand some of the struggles with rehab because my son, Brad, has gone through this.  Jennifer leads an online group of the most amazing Christian women who all deal with brain injury in one way or the other and encourage one another on the journey.  You will love getting to know Jennifer as I have.

"InfertilityMom" Jenni Saake, by God's grace, has been married to her college sweetheart for 22 years and they are parents to 3 living miracles here on earth and 3 beloved children awaiting them in Heaven. She is the founder of Hannah's Prayer Ministries and author of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage and Adoption Loss. After a chiropractic accident at age 39, she suffered 6 strokes, sustaining significant brain injury, and is blogging the spiritual and physical recovery journey at StrokeOfGrace.blogspot.com

Visit her blog, Stroke Of Grace, to hear her amazing story and find out about her latest book project. Connect with her on Facebook, Google+, and Pinterest.

Last, but certainly not least, we're going over the pond to introduce you to my longtime friend, Selena Jones.  Selena and I met many years ago in Indiana. We were both serving as youth sponsors at White River Christian Church in Noblesville, Indiana.  Our daughters were good friends, so we naturally became friends.  We moms have to stick together!  Selena was an accountant from Texas, but don't let that accountant title fool you…she is so.much. fun!  We had lost track of each other through the years and then reconnected on Facebook and discovered that we have more in common now…both being bloggers and loving photography and travel.  Since working alongside her in Indiana, she has experienced some rather drastic and adventurous changes in her life. She met and fell in love with Matthew(a.k.a. The Englishman), married, moved to England and has been travel blogging ever since with her 'prince'. She has won numerous awards as an expat travel blogger and when you visit her site you will see why! I have vicariously traveled through Europe and beyond while reading her posts! I hope to one day actually get together with her again(in person), on her turf…because, after all, why meet here in Nevada when we could be having tea in London? Right?!

This is how she describes herself:
Meet Selena: An American expat living in London. Not your typical, adventurous travel blogger. "I'm a Texas accountant who married a globe-trotting Englishman. We're now living in London and exploring the world. Travel+Photography+Blogging = Happiness.  I'm way over 40. I hate carrying a backpack, too heavy.  I don't own a pair of hiking boots, binoculars or an Outback hat.  You will never catch me rock-climbing, bungee-jumping or sky-diving. I refuse to do anything that involves, a harness and a waiver. I'm not very adventurous and I quite enjoy my comfort zone.  But, I am a traveler and a blogger."

She and 'the Englishman' travel and write together about their travels…and I would just disagree on one thing. This woman loves adventure. ;-)     You can read more about them and their adventures…um, travels at Oh, The Places We Will Go.  You can connect with Selena on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. You can follow her on Instagram to get a look at some of her amazing photos!

And now I must come to a close on this post, my part of this blog hop is over. I hope this has been as much fun for you as it has for me! Each of these ladies will be introducing three more writer friends next week, so be sure to check back with their blogs to discover more amazing bloggers! One last thing.

What is your passion? What questions would you need to answer in order to pinpoint that passion, that burning thing that won't let go? Perhaps it is God's call on your life. So don't ignore it. Just do it!

Sacrificial Faith - Abraham and Isaac

This post was originally written as a guest post for my friend, Beth Zimmerman's site, ButterflyMasterpiece. I and quite a few other bloggers were contributing the series on her site, Walk By Faith.  Beth is taking a break from blogging and her site is no longer available for viewing, so I have posted the article that I wrote in its entirety here.

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When I saw that one of the topics for her series was to be Sacrificial Faith and revolve around the story of Abraham and Isaac, I knew that I needed to share what God has shown me through a very difficult time in the life of our family.  My hope and prayer is that this will encourage you in your faith journey.

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Abraham was a man who knew the true meaning of the words sacrificial faith. In Genesis 22: 1-18 you can read the full account of Abraham and his son, Isaac. Isaac was the son Abraham and Sarah had connived in their old. In Hebrews 11:17-19, we read a recap of Abraham and Isaac's encounter with God.

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death. 

Can you imagine that kind of obedience?  God had asked Abraham to take his son to the land of Moriah and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on a mountain that God would show him.  So Abraham got up early the next morning and made the preparations necessary for the journey. Taking his son and two of his young servants he set out …not even knowing the final destination, yet knowing what was required of him when he arrived.  Scripture says, on the third day he looked up and saw the place in the distance. On the third day. I cannot imagine being in his place…knowing what was to come, what was required of me, and yet keep it together and keep going for three days.  Can you?  The whole scenario is just surreal.  

Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and gave it to Isaac his son to carry. He carried the flint and the knife. The two of them went off together. Isaac said to Abraham his father, “Father?”   “Yes, my son.” “We have flint and wood, but where’s the burnt offering?” Abraham said, “Son, God will see to it that there’s a sheep for the burnt offering?”  And they kept on walking together. They arrived at the place to which God had directed him. Abraham built an altar. He laid out the wood. Then he tied up Isaac and laid him on the wood. Abraham reached out and took the knife to kill his son.(Genesis 22:6-10, MSG)

So, there he was, dagger in hand, about to do the unthinkable. Sacrifice his own son…the very avenue by which God had promised the blessing…through which all peoples on earth were to be blessed.  How could he even think of such a thing? I am so thankful for the explanation in Hebrews 11:19. He knew that God would still provide the blessing through Isaac’s offspring, yet to be born. How? Well, he believed God. Period. In his mind, the only explanation would be that God would raise his son from the dead…because he believed beyond the shadow of a doubt that God kept His promises. Wow!! You need to know that this is no small thing. As far as we know, this had never happened anywhere in the world up to this point in history. What faith! To be willing to commit such an act…the most horrific thing a parent could do to his own child, believing that God would make it right by raising that child from the dead. 

This was a test for Abraham and he passed with flying colors. Abraham acted on his belief.  He believed in God’s faithfulness so fully that he was willing to give up his son. Abraham could not fulfill God’s purpose for his own life without Isaac, yet he was willing to lay his Isaac down on the altar. He was completely willing to surrender his own preconceived notions of how God was going to accomplish His promises.  True belief puts action to the words we confess.  True faith requires a full surrender to God. Because Abraham believed God, He blessed him. He provided the ‘scapegoat’…literally and stopped Abraham from plunging that dagger into his son’s heart. 

Whew!  I remember breathing a sigh of relief the first time I ever read this account in God’s word. I was so focused on the fact that the angel of the LORD stopped him that I didn’t realize the full meaning of this event…or how it might one day resonate within my heart.

That day came when I found myself sitting beside my son’s bed in the ICU of St Vincent’s Hospital. He was only 13 years old…yet he was going through what we were to later discover was a stroke brought about by a very rare migraine disorder.  At this point, Brad’s brain had begun to swell from the relentless pain of the migraine and after seeing his CAT scan the doctor ordered Brad to be taken by ambulance to St. Vincent’s Hospital’s ICU…STAT. In the ICU both sides of the brain had begun to swell creating a life and death scenario for our son. 

I can only think of one other situation that I could imagine as terrifying as seeing your child laying in an ICU with his life hanging on by a thread…teetering on the edge of death; to lose a child who had reached the age of accountability and yet had not yet trusted in Christ as His Lord and Savior. I am so thankful that I did not have to face that scenario as Brad had accepted Christ and had faithfully followed Him several years earlier. 

Still, there I sat. In an ICU by my son's side as he lay there helplessly, wires connected to his head…the EEG monitoring his brain waves…and then it happened. He began to have a full-scale seizure as the swelling continued into both sides of his brain.  His arms flailed wildly and his eyes began to mimic the motion of the carriage return cylinder on an old fashion typewriter, jerking as they moved from side to side, over and over.  I instinctively reached out and took hold of his arms to hold them down and I knew that this was the moment that God was going to take my son home to heaven…but I wasn’t prepared for this. I had just spent the past two weeks managing every minute of my son’s life in the hospital, overseeing every aspect of his medical care…only leaving his side when my husband was able to be with him. I slept by his side every night…even in the ICU. I had been in control! 

In that moment I knew it was time to let go of my son and let God take over and do His good will…whatever that may be. I began to pray, but instead of begging God, “Please, don’t take my son,” I found myself praying, “Father, you know I don’t want to lose my son. I want to see him grow into a man. But he belongs to you…so…if you need to take him; I give him back to you.”  In saying those words, a tremendous peace settled into my heart and I began to sing songs of praise, Brad’s favorites. As I sang, the seizure began to slow down…his arms stopped flailing, his eyes closed, and he slept. 

That was a defining moment in my life as a mother and in my journey with God. In surrendering my will, and my heart…my son…to God, I had put my full trust in Him, knowing full well that He was under no obligation to give me the desire of my heart. I fully expected God was going to take Brad home to be in Heaven with Him. I wanted to have a heart fully surrendered to the will of my Father in Heaven, even as I wanted to have my son fully restored to me. The peace that passes understanding fell over me as I turned it all over to the one who holds eternity in His hands.

In a way, I felt somewhat like I would imagine Abraham must have felt standing over his child, dagger in hand. He was willing to do God’s will even when it didn’t make sense. Here he was about to sacrifice his son, his own heart when miraculously God provided the necessary sacrifice and spared his son’s life.  Abraham had shown through his willing heart and actions that he believed God. And likewise, because I was willing to surrender my son into God’s hands, I believe God gave my son back to me. Not so that I could take the reigns of control back over my son’s life (although I continued to struggle off and on with that desire through the following months of rehabilitation), but to continue raising him with the understanding that God was still in control. Even more than that, as hard as it was to accept, I knew the truth. God loves my son more than I do. He knows what is best for his life. I had laid my Isaac down and God had restored him to me.  

I have found that God requires us to sometimes lay down that which is most precious to us. He asks us to place our treasure before Him on the altar. We have to lessen the grip; open our arms… in order to surrender it back to God. It may not be as traumatic as laying down your son or daughter. It might be your career. It might be your life’s purpose. 

 Are you willing to lay your Isaac down?

Just maybe as you stand there fully surrendered, arms extended…God will restore that which you have given up. If that happens, hold it loosely, but run with it…for His glory!

Purpose for the Pain and Peace amidst the Why's

Sometimes a stronger, more realistic faith is birthed in the darkest of pits.                      ~Jo Ann Fore, When A Woman Finds Her Voice

I am no stranger to the reality of these words. I have experienced many hard things on this journey we call life. Most have. Or will...given enough years. Yes. It is a given. Suffering and pain happen in the world, at one time or another, to each of us.

   We live in a fallen world...and we are still suffering the effects of sin entering the world way back when Eve listened to the words of the enemy. He convinced her that what God had forbidden was actually good for her. And so...she took a bite of that fruit. At that moment, the moment of action, conceived from her doubt in God's all-consuming love and all-knowing wisdom, sin entered the world. The effects of that sin have continued on and will continue until Christ's return.

Still, while I can intellectually state the reality of why there is so much pain and suffering in this world, my heart still cries out in the hardest moments. Those times when I feel like I am wallowing in the depths of my latest 'pit' of despair..."Why Lord?"

• Why is my son still suffering from the effects of his two 'strokes'? Why can he not live out his heart's desire to be married, be in full-time ministry, and have children by now? Surely these are godly desires!
• Why are there times of frustration and misery in ministry? Shouldn't this be a joy?  
• Why does my daughter suffer with the effects of her PCOS?
• Why do people we love suffer with cancer?
• Why do You, Lord,  sometimes choose to heal and other times not?

I get that there are direct effects from our own personal sin. I even get that you allow us to live out the consequences of those sins, even as you forgive. Your forgiveness, Lord,  is there...waiting for us to bring our wrecked lives before your throne of mercy.  But what about those times when we are suffering not due to our own sins but as a result of the sins of others, or just due to the fallen state of this world?

And then I remember...

When those times come to me now, I raise my Ebenezer!

In 1 Samuel 7, we read how Samuel is leading the Israelites as they are making an effort to turn back to God with all of their hearts. In the midst of this gathering of repentance before the Lord, the Philistines rose up against the Israelites to attack them. In hearing of this uprising the people pleaded with Samuel to keep crying out to the Lord on their behalf so that the Lord would hear and deliver them from the hand of the Philistines.  Samuel offered a sacrifice to God and continued praying.  God caused panic among the Philistines and they fell into confusion...thus giving the Israelites victory over their enemies.  Samuel then set up a stone, as was the habit of God's people, as a remembrance of God's help in their time of need.  He called the stone, Ebenezer, meaning stone of help.

So you see, I too raise my Ebenezer. My stone of help. In those times when I feel I am drowning in the why's of life, in the midst of a  new dose of suffering or pain it 'helps' me to remember those times. God carried me when I no longer had the strength to keep going. When the pain was too much to bear...He was there taking that pain on Himself, so that I could not only survive but come out on the other side a much stronger woman.

Sometimes, in His great love and mercy, God has given me a glimpse into some of the why's. Times such as this:

Sitting in the waiting room of the outpatient rehab hospital, I cried out to God, "Why Lord, why are you allowing my son to struggle once again. Why, Lord, would you allow Brad to be assigned to a therapist with an accent that isn't even close to his native language? How in the world is he ever going to learn the proper pronunciation of the English language, with this guy? Why does Brad even have to go through all of this again? Why do we all have to go through this again? Lord, you can heal him...please...why don't you heal him?"

 In the midst of my crying out to God, the therapist, the very one I was just complaining to God about, stepped into the hallway and asked me to join them in the therapy room. He had a few questions he wanted to ask.  You see, in the process of the therapy sessions, Brad had insisted that the therapist help him work on writing a sermon that he was working on in his own time.  Since writing is a part of speech therapy, the therapist had agreed to help Brad work on his sermon. I think at this point he was willing to do anything that would get my son to cooperate in the therapy sessions.  In the sermon, Brad was trying to go through the entire Bible beginning with creation, working through Moses and the exodus(including every one of the plagues and the parting of the Red Sea), basically hitting every single miracle in the Bible all the way up to the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ. I was to learn that in the process of this, Brad had basically forced  his speech therapist to look at God's Word. Not only that, but this young man was Muslim and was beginning to question his own religion.  He wanted to know what kind of church we went to and what we taught. He said that his wife actually attended a Baptist church, but that he had never considered going to church with her or looking into her faith. He had been content with his own system of belief.  However, now...after going through the sermon with Brad over the past month or so, he was thinking of visiting his wife's church...he was ready to look into Christianity!  

You see...while I was out in the waiting room, crying out to God...well...more like complaining, my son was in there introducing his Muslim therapist to the One True God...the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

"Okay God, I get it! That young man's eternal destination, his eternal salvation, is far more important than the instant healing of my son."

Sometimes God gives us those moments of clarity in the 'whys' so that we learn to trust in His wisdom, His timing, and His mercy. I have experienced enough of those moments to know that He is faithful and can be trusted with the why's.  As I begin to release the 'right' to always know why God works as He does, or even why God allows things to happen, peace sets into the depths of my soul. He becomes my hope, and my anchor in the storms of life.

There is a powerful shifting that takes place as we abandon the right to understand and we yield to God's working in our lives. ~Jo Ann Fore 

The words written in Romans 8:28 have become a working reality in my life…

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. 

Let Him give you hope and healing, love and laughter! Let Him walk with you and weep with you and then dry your tears. Allow Him to walk with you through your pain so that you can come through...healed and whole. Then use what He has done in your life to reach out to others who are still walking in their pain. Bring glory to the Lord for all He has done in and through you.

 Let there be purpose from your trials, your sufferings, your pain...and find peace amidst the why's!(tweet this)

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of  many lives.  ~Genesis 50:20 

Today am linking up with Jo Ann and other beautiful women, with freedom and joy and purpose to share our hearts and allow God to use us...our voices...to make a difference, to help women find hope and healing.  

Open the Eyes of my heart, Lord ~my prayer in the midst of my writer's block...

So...it's been awhile since I have written a blog post.  Sorry for the neglect...well...actually it started with a major writer's block. One that I am afraid was begun in fear.

Fear of a writing project I have been asked to be a part of...nothing really huge, mind you, just a chapter in a book. We, I and several other women, are writing to encourage  Mom's who may be in the midst of raising a special needs child. I have some personal experience in this area. You see, my  son has a very rare migraine condition called Sporadic Hemiplegic Migraines (SHM).

  SHM is a condition that has caused my son, Brad, to suffer two traumatic brain events...a stroke at the age of thirteen (February 1999) and again at the age of twenty two (July 2007), his migraine led to non-stop seizures which put him in danger of permanent brain damage if they could not stop the seizures. So they basically put him into a medicinally induced coma. Brad was in the Neurocritical Care Unit of Johns Hopkins University Hospital for 16 days!

Both events, in '99 and '07, resulted in multiple hospital transfers, multiple days in ICU's/ Neurocritical Care Units, and inpatient rehabilitation hospitals. Those days were followed by  many months of physical, speech, and occupational  out- patient therapies. Immediately after each of these events Brad was unable to do anything...talk, walk, speak, read, write, simple math, recognition of coins, basic care skills, basic social skills, ALL had to be relearned.  I jokingly tell people that I have raised our one son three times.  In reality it's not a joke but a big part of the story of my son's life...and mine, as well as every member of our family. 

In many of my blog posts, to this point, I have shared life lessons that God has taught me from simple things...such as the antics of my puppy or the beauty of nature or just lessons from life in general.  But I haven't written about our experiences with our son, Brad, who, by the way, is doing quite well now...despite the fact that we are still working through some of his cognitive impairment from his last event. To be honest I know that God has much for me to share about what He has taught me through our son's ordeals. It is just so hard sometimes to put into words on a page. Somehow it goes deep to the core of my being and tears begin to flow. 

God IS so very good and has walked with us every step of the way.  I believe that He has now given me the direction that my writing should take...sharing the blessings through the trials.

 God has a plan and a purpose for my son's life...for my life.  The plans that formulated in my heart as a young, married, soon to be mother so many years ago have taken a dramatic turn.  I would have thought by now my son would have graduated from college, be established in the profession of his (and Gods) choice, and married with one or two children of his own.  His own dream since he was 9 years old was to be a Minister, married, and have children by the time he had reached his present age.   Many times I have prayed,  "LORD, why...why have you not given him his heart's desire...surely they line up with your will?!" Just when I think none of it makes any sense God gives me glimpses of His purpose, His glory on the mountain tops, He shows me light on this valley floor. And I am once again comforted and filled with the peace that passes understanding...HIS peace.

Am I saying that God actually chose to inflict my son with this awful condition? No. We live in a fallen world that displays the result of sin. Ever since the fall in the Garden of Eden, things have been going downhill. Everything has been affected by that choice made so long ago.  What I am saying is that God, for whatever reason, has allowed this to come to pass and He has and is going to bring about His glory and His good for Brad and our family. His word promises that " in all things God works for the good of those who love Him , who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. I trust that God is working this out.  My son loves the Lord and has been called! I just have to let go and let God work out His plan.  I have to follow His footprints, His path, for our lives.  

How does this letting go look in your own life?  You don't have to go through something so traumatic as what I have just shared in order to see the path God has for you! 

"Sometimes we have to let go of our dreams in order for His dreams to come to fruition. Are we so busy planning out how our lives should go, our dreams, our purpose, that we miss His purpose for our life? I submit that you won't be fulfilled until you relinquish those dreams to the God who created you for His purpose!" ~ Gay Idle ♥

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance." Ephesians 1:18